Requiem For an Urge to Create

So lately I've been getting urges to get back into the SCA.   Which is odd.   I've not really thought of activly playing in a very long time.   My armor was lost to mold. . . . I've not picked up a sword in ages.  

I'm sure it's partially due to the fact that I'm missing my third estrella in a row.   That is far too long.   Usually I miss one year, but rarely two. Never have I gone three.  This year the lack in going was a mixture of not having anything prepared. . . not wanting to deal with the logistics of flying out and then having to find out way to war.   Mostly also the main reason. . . not really having anyone to camp with.   The more I thought about it. . .the more willing to cave in to the popular consensus to do something else.

Comic Con.   Phoneix. . . . soooo there.   YAY.

In the mean time, I think I will actually see about getting my armor cut out and assembled.    I'm finding that cutting out 13 oz leather is a pain in the ass.   Gonna try and whip out the dremel tool and see if I can slice it up that way.  I tried the razor blade approach and I did about 30 plates before my hand gave out.   Go POWER TOOLS!


day 80: one of your favorite childhood memories
Up until recently, my favorite memory was of my step-father giving me my first computer.   That birthday gift based my entire career goals and current skill set.   I thought he was making a kid's dream come true.   It made my friggen day.   Best birthday ever!   It was recently that he told me that the only reason he got the puter was so that he could have a way to control me and take it back for punitive reasons.   It was a control collar.   That kind of left a bitter taste.

Gah. . . have to make this quick and dirty since my morning just flew by. . . . I find  myself feeling dirty about trying to be productive before I have to go to work in the morning.. . . go fig.

day 78: would you rather people be honest with you, even if it’s something not good, or lie to you to make you feel good?


It really depends on  the day and how I feel.   I am a flake.   No doubt about it.  If I'm doing something wrong, I want people to tell me what I'm doing wrong and how to fix it.   But if I'm just told that I'm not doing something someone's preferred way, I become very critical and tend to resent it.  All in all, I welcome honesty and criticism when I'm prepared to expect it.  Otherwise, expect silent seething and resentment. . ^_^

  The last 3 weeks have been rather crazy.   I cut off the 365 thing due to lack of time and or net access at work.   At least that's what I kept telling myself.  Mostly it was due to a deep deep funk.   Dead end job. . . endless classes in sight.  You know the drill.  I dived into WoW or anything that would just make things go away.   

Lack of any desire to create was just collateral damage.

This happens a lot with me.  I think it's mostly the fear of being criticized for any project I pour my energies into.  Maybe a self defense mechanism to deter from piling more shit on?   

Meh.

The holy shit moment of getting the new job and sleeping at night regularly hasn't worn off.   Actually been working on some projects that have been neglected up until this point.  Among that my writing.  I need to get back into the habit.  As I don't have any desire to write all the entries I've missed since July, I think I'll just go with this.

 day 77: what gives you every day inspiration.

Every day inspiration is a hard thing to come by.  Now that I've actually had to think about it.  I suppose it's in the simple pleasures.  From the way the morning fog smells.  To how my morning cup of tea feels in my hands.   I may have to add to this as the day goes.  I've got to actually pay attention.  

Heh.

Something tells me that I will regret trying to post when I'm this tired.   I however do not regret attempting to post.  It's been a long while since I've actually felt the urge to write.   I finally feel like I've just crawled out of a bad 4 and a half year bad dream.

Recently I've had to deal with the overwhelming sinking feeling of being in a funk.   Depressed?   Mayhap, but who the hell really knows.  I've been in funks before. . . but usually a quick trip to best buy and an expensive toy gets me out of it.  My current laptop is a testament to that.  But lately the well paying yob I've been stuck at had been bombarding me with bad vibes to the point where all I wanted to do is crawl into my cave and never come out.   

But that's over.   I got a promotion.  I got a bump in pay.  A smancy new title. my own cubicle, and I'm back in the IT world.   I could not be happier.  Sure I'll be on the phones a bit, but mostly the job will be routing information and or people to the right sources of information and or workgroups.    It's not complicated. . . but it's not a walk in the park. . . I welcome the challenge. 

This does mean that I'll have to take a quarter off of school.  This gives me some mixed feelings.   I don't want to delay my graduation any further than it already will be delayed, but then again. . . I need a break.  I've been doing very well for the amount of effort I've been putting into my Calc classes.  But 9 consecutive math classes has me on a path to burn out. . one quarter missed won't kill me.  

Man I hate it when I come across a picture online that reminds me of a time I'm trying to forget.   Maybe that's why I tend to hold onto a grudge for years.  Every nuance of a memory is just thrust into the forefront and I feel the anger seep back in.

Old flames are hard to quench.


day 74: how would you describe your style of clothing
I try to go for comfort and also try to avoid sticking out too much.  I just tried on an old pair of pants that I got accidentally one size too small for me at the time.  They're now baggy.  Which makes my usual set of clothing gamer but baggy.  Due to my self image wonkey thing going I usually go for REALLY bagging clothing despite the fact that I have relative chicken legs.   Colors have usually ranged in gray tones. . . with mostly black, but these days I'm experementing with colors . . . even stripes.  

day 75: what is one of the best dreams you have ever had

The only one that comes to mind was todays.   Mostly my dreams involve conflict. . . me being chased. . . or me sitting in a mall or driving . . . some usual weird mix, but last night's dream was the most vivid.  It was a thrill to experience something that has never really happend in my waking life.  It left me to wake shaking.

day 76: how do you feel about going green

I try to live it. . . since it's a necessity.  But it doesn't mean I have to like it.

     This past week has been nuts.  I am sooo glad I decided to not slack off and got my coding done on my programming class out of the way.  I had been usually just happy to let it slide until the night before it was due.  But I got docked for 3 points by doing something stupid last week.   This week.  I wanted to make sure it was mostly done so if I had any issues I could at the very least ask the prof what I was doing wrong.

Even thne, 4 hours of coding over something very very dumb.  :)  Could have been worse.

Things have been jelling really well lately.  I hit up Seatttle's International distfict yesterday.  Seattle is a scary place to drive, but oh my god do I love the urban setting.  Got to check out Tiffany's new place, the U-district where she works. . . had lunch at an awesome Tai place, and then. . . The Cheesecake Factory for Coffee and Desert.  I can't wait for pax next month. 

Even more so, it's looking like Angie and I can swing crashing at Tiff's for the night so I can meet up with the gang on thursday for the Museum and stuff. . so yay!  Time off turns out to not be an issue . . . so . . . BOO YA!

day 71: differences between you and your best friend

This is really hard. . . . but If I have to be honest. . .
I'm dark. . . he's light. . . He's Irish. . . I'm a Mutt. . .  He's impulsive. . . I'm impressionable. . . .He has ambition. . I can make things work.   He drinks. . . I get drunk.  . . He's high strung . . I'm mellow. . . . He's a dreamer . . I'm a tinker. . . . He can dance. . . I know how not to dance. . . . yeah. . . that's all I can think of.

day 72: list of everything you ate today
Chicken and mashed potatoes with gravy. . . . some star candy . .  . . that's it.

day 73: a movie you cried in?

I have yet to cry at a movie.

day 64: your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before, what do you do?

Hop on a plane.

day 65: one random fact about yourself

I can hold a grudge indefinitely.

day 66: if you could switch lives with someone for a day, who would it be

Neil Gaiman.  :grin:

day 67: how you found out about tumblr, and why you made one

Most everyone I stalk online is on it.  :)

day 68: the best concert you have been to

I'd have to say that 30 seconds to mars would have to be a favorite.  Got dragged to it by a good buddie of mine, I'd never heard of them and on a whim decided to go.  I am sooo glad I did.

day 69: powerful song lyrics you love

Ireland . . . I am coming home
I can see your rolling fields of green
And fences made of stone
I am reaching out won't you take my hand
I'm coming home . . Ireland!

day 63: your views upon gay marriage?

Personally, this is a non issue for me.  I don't have the self entitled attitude that demands that I have the right to dictate what will make someone else happy. I hold the political view that our government should not have the right to dictate who can or cannot get married.   The fact that we allow the United State to force us into getting a marriage license for tax purposes is actually a tad insulting to me.  Finding love is a royal bitch as it is.  I shouldn't have to jump another hurdle.   As for my personal views on gay marriage. . . . I don't have a right to care one way or another what someone else does. . . and those that do care . . . should really learn to focus on their own lives.

day 60: a youtube video you absolutely love and describe why.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sdUUx5FdySs

Kiwi in flight.   The impossible just takes a bit longer.  ^_^

day 61: one of your most prized possessions

I've had many prized possessions, but lately it's got to be my laptop.   Couldn't live without it.

day 62: describe your best friend completely

Awesome.  ^_^

day 54: your definition of love

I can really only define love as being comfortable with one person where you don't have to hide who you really are. 

day 55: a passage from a book that has touched you.

Everybody has a secret world inside of them. All of the people of the world, I mean everybody. No matter how dull and boring they are on the outside, inside them they've all got unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful, stupid, amazing worlds. Not just one world. Hundreds of them. Thousands maybe. 
                                                                                                             - The Sandman


day 56: something you did as a child that other people remember you for

It's not hard to forget my childhood. . . . I don't really even see anyone from it. . . .

day 57: what is your definition of happiness

Wanting to wake up . . . and when you're awake. . . you find a single reason to make you smile?

day 58: places you want to visit, and why

I want to visit Europe. . . . Ireland to be exact.   I have a peronal theory that I may have been Irish in another life.  I can see green flowing hills. . . . I swear I can almost remember the smell of the Isle. . . . Part of me wants to see if there is any validity to it.

day 59: one person you can tell everything to

I would like to say that person would be Gallant, but I keep most things buried deep.